Friday, August 11, 2006
My Life... rolled up in a rant
So what's the deal with my life? Why is it so interesting to people all of the sudden? Isn't my business... my business? Why would some people who never open up to me expect me to open up to them? Especially when it seems that THEY DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME?!
"You did what?!" Words have never sounded so condesending before. People make mistakes and i guarentee the people who judge my life have messed up and done things... KNOWING what they were doing but regretted them in the end- just like i have.
I can see Jesus in my friends, like James said.... surprisingly the person I see him in the most isn't a christian.
WEIRD.
But maybe it's the Jesus I want him to be that I see in my non christian friend. But i know he wouldn't be condesending. I know He would give me some tough love... like Heather would... but he wouldn't humiliate me and make me feel like crap on purpose.
And what's the big deal about me getting a two dollar goldfish? If it dies- then it's my fault... and it's not like a fish can actually get attached to me like a cat or a dog... but I want something I can truely call my own! That my parents can't take from underneath me if i decide to move out.. or leave for a weekend. I need something i can hold in my hand and i can say, this is mine and no one else's. I bought it with my own money and i take care of it with my own hands.
Maybe i'm overreacting... it IS just a fish after all.
But I feel like this is my life - I make a decision and the people closest to me are making judgements and decisions about what I did... and they're making up their mind without hearing me. I MEAN REALLY HEARING ME. Not thinking of what they can say to change my mind, but just listening to what i have to say and.... THAT'S IT. They can have their own opinons... i can't stop that, but just to know that people don't hate me or look down on me because i did something would mean a lot to me.
I feel out of control even though i'm supposed to feel INcontrol.
To have someone who doesn't need to be the wisest person in my life would be amazing. Because they wouldn't try to give me advice, they would just BE with me. If I wanted advice- then I would ask. As directly as i possibly could.
I need people to trust me. To trust that the decisions i make...whatever they are- will somehow be ok because I'm trying to follow God- and that's what matters. Me and God.
"You did what?!" Words have never sounded so condesending before. People make mistakes and i guarentee the people who judge my life have messed up and done things... KNOWING what they were doing but regretted them in the end- just like i have.
I can see Jesus in my friends, like James said.... surprisingly the person I see him in the most isn't a christian.
WEIRD.
But maybe it's the Jesus I want him to be that I see in my non christian friend. But i know he wouldn't be condesending. I know He would give me some tough love... like Heather would... but he wouldn't humiliate me and make me feel like crap on purpose.
And what's the big deal about me getting a two dollar goldfish? If it dies- then it's my fault... and it's not like a fish can actually get attached to me like a cat or a dog... but I want something I can truely call my own! That my parents can't take from underneath me if i decide to move out.. or leave for a weekend. I need something i can hold in my hand and i can say, this is mine and no one else's. I bought it with my own money and i take care of it with my own hands.
Maybe i'm overreacting... it IS just a fish after all.
But I feel like this is my life - I make a decision and the people closest to me are making judgements and decisions about what I did... and they're making up their mind without hearing me. I MEAN REALLY HEARING ME. Not thinking of what they can say to change my mind, but just listening to what i have to say and.... THAT'S IT. They can have their own opinons... i can't stop that, but just to know that people don't hate me or look down on me because i did something would mean a lot to me.
I feel out of control even though i'm supposed to feel INcontrol.
To have someone who doesn't need to be the wisest person in my life would be amazing. Because they wouldn't try to give me advice, they would just BE with me. If I wanted advice- then I would ask. As directly as i possibly could.
I need people to trust me. To trust that the decisions i make...whatever they are- will somehow be ok because I'm trying to follow God- and that's what matters. Me and God.
